“All that I have ever wanted was to give my best to You...” - Dandelions by Five Iron Frenzy

I haven’t wanted to be myself lately. I have grown discontented with the person that God made me to be. Why is that? Why do I wish that I were someone else? It would be so much easier to pretend like I am not the way I am than use the gifts that God has given me to His glory. What drives me to this is fear. But what am I so afraid of?

God has given me a specific set of gifts that are a combination unique to me. He hand selected just who He would have me be and bids me to use them for the edification of others and the praise of Him. Again, what do I have to fear?

I fear heartache. God has given me an abundance of love and compassion for others, drawing me to people and situations that need an extra measure of Christ’s love. In these situations I have shown His love. In some of them, I was met with opposition and was ultimately hurt.

Last night, I was supposed to preach, but God had a different plan. A youth pastor that is one of Marty’s friends was in town and spoke. He spoke on exactly what I have been struggling with. That was the second time in one day I was confronted with my discontentedness. If God set out to give me specific gifts and graces, wouldn’t He also give me the ability to make it through whatever opposition and hurt has come from using them?

I have not been content with myself. I have not been content with the hand-crafted, meticulous work of my Creator. Have I been blinded so much by myself that I have forgotten that the very God who created the universe, imaged and breathed to live everything in existence, and made a way for me to know His personally love me for who I am, for who He has created me to be?


“Lord, search my heart; create in me something clean. Like dandelions, You see flowers in these weeds.” - FIF

Sacred Space:

One of the biggest arguments in building a new church building or expanding into a new sanctuary is whether or not it will serve one function: that of church, set apart for meeting with others and meeting with God - or having a multipurpose facility.

Two years ago when The Lab (or youth facilities here at Fall Creek Wesleyan) was built, it was to be a youth ministry - exclusive room. We would have stuff that was our own, used for us. This is the dream of every ministry! To have facilities of your own would be an incredible blessing - if such a utopia existed.

The problem over the years has been that the church added a daycare as an extension of the ministry of the church. This would be fine, aside from the daycare has decided that The Lab is such a cool place to be that they would grace it with their presence, use our stuff, break our stuff, forget to turn everything off properly, and mess around with technical stuff (i.e. sound and lighting) that they are not trained or have the knowledge to properly use.

Not only has the lab been used for daycare, it has also served as a place for public meetings, wedding receptions, Mothers-of-Preschoolers meeting, and the like. Am I complaining because we are serving others? Not at all. My big issue is that the word of those who made statements about the exclusiveness about The Lab would make the appropriate adjustments to budgets, appropriating an amount of money for shared usage expenses, the replacement of damaged property, and that we wouldn’t be promised something that we aren’t getting.

As I entered The Lab this morning, I found a mess of torn up ping-pong paddles, a split air hockey puck, and the felt missing from the underside of one of the air hockey paddles. This is disheartening because it isn’t the first time that this has happened, nor will it be the last. No matter where I go, I will probably find that it is like this. When will youth ministry be taken off of the back burner, be seen as a vital ministry of the church, and put their money where their mouth is.

Measuring Up:

I can't do it. I can't be everything that everyone expects me to be. I can't meet a standard that I am unaware of.

As I look around myself and at the people whom God has placed in my life (mainly at their blogs), I see these deeply profound things that God is teaching them. I feel the pressure to write something spiritually significant on my pages for the world to see. This isn't a slam on them, I am truly blessed by God's work in their lives.

With that said, I have come to a question: is it wrong of me to be a Christian blogger, yet not consistantly bare snap shots of my walk with Christ? Is it ok for me to just write because I enjoy it or must I conform? Again, those of you who do speak of your walk, this isn't a me bashing you... this is me wrestling in my own heart and head.

It isn't that God isn't doing amazing things in my life. It isn't that my love for Him has grown cold or my hunger for Him at ease. The fact is simply that they blog is a veritable smorgasboard of what's going on in my life.

If you came here for sage like advice, I doubt I have any to offer. But if it's drama you want...it's like The Real World meets Boy Meet World meets Days of Our Lives....