The Best News Ever:

Have you ever heard anyone used this phrase in a sentence or ask if you’d like to hear it? Unfortunately and without fail, every time I heard that, I am excited about the possibilities that my ears may be so blessed to hear, but the news falls somewhere on the scale between mediocre and disinteresting. What I have decided to do is issue a series of statement which would constitute as some of the greatest news ever.

Example #1:

“Damien, I know how much you enjoy playing guitar, so I bought you a Gibson SG Supreme and L - 5 Les Paul, a Fender American Deluxe Stratocaster, and The Archangel by Warrior guitars... all customized to your specs. I figured that you couldn’t play it on just anything, so also had Marshall, Fender, Gerlitz, and Mesa to come together and build you a 150 watt all - tube head with 2 cabinets.... and they match your guitars. Oh yeah, and Steve Vai is going to teach you how to play it.”

Now that would be some freakin’ amazing news! Not only would I be the proud owner of every single dream guitar that a person could ever want, I would have an amp beyond the comprehension of mankind! The impossible would be done, I would learn from a legend and THAT would be the best news ever.

Example #2:

“Hey Damien, it’s (enter current infatuation’s name here). I missed you a lot and I just happen to be in the area because God has called me into youth ministry. I was wondering, since I’m here anyway and because I really want to (coincidentally having an elegant dress in my luggage) if you wanna go with me to your Spring Formal so that I can show everyone how freakin’ amazing I think you are and make them wish that they were as lucky as me to have someone like you. And I brought you a Gibson SG Supreme and L - 5 Les Paul, a Fender American Deluxe Stratocaster, and The Archangel by Warrior guitars... all with customized to your specs. I figured that you couldn’t play it on just anything, so also had Marshall, Fender, Gerlitz, and Mesa to come together and build you a 150 watt all - tube head with 2 cabinets.... and they match your guitars. Oh yeah, and Steve Vai is going to teach you how to play it.”

I think that this news would throw me into an epilepticly elated fit. After I stopped foaming at the mouth and flopping around like a wet noodle, I would take that girl in my arms and slow dance with her as if the night would never end. In turn, I think that a ring would get involved somewhere in there and I would be the happiest man on the face of the earth.

Example #3

“Hey Damien, this is The Father... Jesus, the Holy Spirit and I have been talking and we wanna hook you up with a little Entire Sanctification. H.S. also wanted to know if He could just all out pour on you? Is that cool? Oh yeah, and We also though it’d be cool if I let man defy the laws of gravity and fly on his own and we want you to try it out. And on a side note: I talked to (enter name of current infatuation here) and told her that I want her be your partner in ministry and then some. We’re totally cool with you being with her... as a mater of fact, We even made her for you. We think you’ll like her. Oh and before we got swat Satan for him latest escapades, the angels in R & D have been working on this wicked guitar and amp, David’s been wailing away on the thing and he wants to give you lessons. I figure once a week We can bring you up chill a bit in the heavenly realm and then you can praise Me to My face.”

This think this one speaks for itself.

So the next time someone offers you the best news ever remember the subjective nature of that and offer your possiblity of the greatest news ever.