Conflict of interest:

In my life, here at BBC and at home, I have seen much drama and have been involved in a little. I've had my share of meaningless relationship, that is a grand total of two, but I have a weak appetite for the meaningless. Honestly, what is the sense in getting into a relationship for....well.. the sake of being in a relationship? The is none.

For some strange reason, at the point where I truly don't care about a relationship, one of my dear friends decides that today is the day to try to set me up. I take that back, not so much set me up, but decide to tell me who she thinks I should be with. I was taken aback. I'm not sure how many times I've had someone play matchmaker for me and they have no sweet clue as to the type of girl I'm looking for.

Just a matter of clarification, because some of you, my faithful bloggians, are simple minded and do not see every side of what I'm saying... by the way, forgive the insult, I speak the truth in love. I am not a shallow person. I find some people to be attractive not on the basis of their looks, but who they are. For example, there are some girls that are absolutely gorgeous that have the intelligence and personality of a grease-burned french fry (my apology to the fry for comparing you to such). There are also some girls that do not meet the world's standard of beauty that I find freaking amazing people. What I find attractive in a girl and what I look for are kind of unusual things. I guess in a way you could call me picky, but hey, BBC is not the end of the line my friends, I'm sure that I could strike a diamond outside this place.

(A side note to the girls who read my blog: You don't hafta look like Brittany to be beautiful, just being who you are speaks more for your image than her fake....um....nevermind...you get the point)

This calls to question my own ability to make personal choices. I think that after 3 and a halfish years of being single and praying for God's will and direction in relationships that I should be able to discern what is good/smart and not. Having interest in someone that a) I don't know b) have nothing in common with c) doesn't like my friends d)is not the type of person I'm looking for.... (and the list continues) ... would be just plain stupid. So a word of advice: unless I am weeping, gnashing my teeth, and begging you.... don't try to set me up...that's what mothers are for.

Anywho, back from that rabbit trail I have to say this: she?s not a terrible person. But honestly, we don't jive. She's not the type of person I could hang out with nor does she meet Damien's Standard of Requirements for Dating Purposes (a few simple traits that I look for and find attractive) That doesn't speak anything against her, I think it speaks more against me.

In the words of Munch "Not gunna happen."

For those mathematically minded readers here is the equation: 1 single guy (1SM) plus 1 single girl(1SF), multiplied by the amount of outside pressures(OPr), divided by lack(-I)of interest, plus relationship (R times pi) times interest is less than the possibility (I < P) = no relationship(-R). So you're basic equation is gunna look a little something like this:

OPr(1SG + 1SF)
------------------- = Rpi(I < P) = -R
-I

Tonight's blog is a reflection. Not by me, but the lyrics of a songs that has truly blessed my life and giving me hope for tomorrow.

"Every New Day" by Five Iron Frenzy

When I was young, the smallest trick of light,
Could catch my eye,
Then life was new and every new day,
I thought that I could fly.
I believed in what I hoped for,
And I hoped for things unseen,
I had wings and dreams could soar,
I just don't feel like flying anymore.
When the stars threw down their spears,
Watered Heaven with their tears,
Before words were spoken,
Before eternity.

Dear Father, I need you,
Your strength my heart to mend.
I want to fly higher,
Every new day again.

When I was small, the furthest I could reach,
reach, was not so high, then, I thought
the world was so much smaller, feeling I,
could fly. Through distant deeps and
skies, behind infinity, below the face of
Heaven, he stoops to create me.

Man versus himself. Man versus
machine. Man versus the world.
mankind versus me. The struggles go
on, the wisdom I lack, the burdens
keep piling up on my back. So hard to
breathe, to take the next step. The
mountains is high, I wait in the depths.
Yearning for grace, and hoping for
peace. Dear God... increase. Healing
hands of God have mercy on our
unclean souls once again. Jesus Christ,
light of the world burning bright
within our hearts forever. Freedom
means love without condition, a
beginning or an end. Here's my heart,
let it be forever Your's, only you can
make every new day seem so new.

A day in the life of Me:

"So I was sitting in my cubical today and I realized ever since I started working... um ... every single day has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life." - Peter Gibbon from Office Space

Today is not the worst day of my life, it's not even a crappy day, it's just one of those days. Nothing has really gone wrong or happened to make today a bad day or gone amazingly right to make it a good day. Today is just a day. I think my mood is being effected by the fact that I am amazingly tired and that it has shifted from being semi-warm outside to being cold.

I haven't been very talkative today either. I just don't feel like saying much. This too is probably effected by my sleepiness and the weather. Not talking isn't a bad thing. Being silent is kind of like skipping dessert. Dessert is not necessary to everyday life, neither is talking a lot. Some times talking can be harmful and effect not only yourself, but those around you. Kind of like eating 12 cheesecakes a day will make immensely not healthy, effecting both you and those around you. Honestly, if you take up the whole side of a banquet table, something is wrong. This can be applies to talking too much. If you dominate every conversation, you are a conversational glutton and need a role of duct tape for you mouth.... because other people need to talk too.

Sugar Coated Poison Apple:

Today I've been learning about how bitter and low I am. I was going to the library to work tonight and was listening to some RBF and found enjoyment in the song Sucker ("This one?s to all the suckers who still believe in 'love'... the one's for you!"). I stopped for a second and thought about it. I am really bitter towards a lot things around me. I'm not sure if it's bitterness out of jealousy or what it is. Seems like the things I'm the most bitter about are those things that I cannot achieve. I always manage to find someone of something to blame it on too. That is the craziest part. I feel like that rotten apple in the bunch that everyone avoids. (Just on a note of clarity for those whole feel they need to reprimand me. I?m not talking about relationships) I'm rotten at the core and it's starting to show. I know what Paul was talking about when he said "of all sinners, I'm the greatest among these." No I haven't committed a catastrophic sin or anything like that or maybe I have. Argh! I feel like such a wreck right now.

I think Paul hit that point too. He realized that his life sucked. He realized that no matter how hard you try or how "sanctified" you think you are, your mind and emotions are still a powerful things and Satan can still attack your thoughts and feelings. The only thing that we can do is hang on to God, because He'll see our imperfections and look past them. To Him, He sees His child.

Cell #205:

So here I am in my second hour of class and I'm starting to get a little fidgety. I realize that two hours in the same place isn't a bad thing, but it is all about where you are. For example, two hours in a gas chamber is slightly less pleasant than two hours in bed. Two hours of lectures in Stairs Hall #205 is slightly less enjoyable than 2 hours of Ska and punk rock at a concert. Granted, I these examples are no brainers. If I had the choice to, well, get school credit for sleep or spent 2 hours moshing and skanking for class in place of hearing two different people with a serious amount of knowledge crammed in their head try to explain the grit, grime, and mass details of certain subject.... I think I'd choose the first. I'm not saying that I don't like to learn, because I do. This room, however, is ill-equipped for comfort and the pain from your back and bum detract from the learning experience. Is it maybe a psychological peg to connect pain with learning?

Let's face it, as college students, we're lazy... not slackers.... just lazy. Yes, we're exiting the teenage years, but the laziness remains. The shift has gone from little expectations to higher expectations. We're still lazy, but we?re expected to take up certain responsibilities. Don't ask us to think logically when we're tired... you won't get much of a response... maybe not even get a head nod.

Now that we have returned from that rabbit trail, what I'm really trying to say is that I'm tired, it's midterms week, and I'm ready for evac.... beam me up Scotty!