For me to live is Christ and to die is gain....:

Philippians 1:21.... I love that verse. I've always looked at it as my life verse - a statement that I always dreamed that my life would boast. If I go out with a bang serving Jesus - so be it, but while I'm here, I'm living all out for Him.

Right now, however, I feel like I'm hardly living. I don't know what step to take next because it's always been laid out in front of me. God said "go to Bible college," I went to Bethany Bible College. God said "Go into the world...," I went to the United States, Canada, England, Qatar, India, Israel, Croatia, and Germany... Now, God prompted, "Go to Viginia Beach...," and so here I am, in VA Beach... looking for a job, but with no idea where to start... my main thought on a job fell through and I am baffled about where to try next.

"VA Beach?!," you say... "Suffering for Jesus a little too much?"

I know... sounds ridiculous because it does seem like a beautiful area, but I'm here for a reason. When one says "beach" you automatically assume that everything is ritzy and grand... but it's not. I've seen more diversity, prejudice, and a great deal of poverty down here. Maybe it's simply because I'm not used to the city... but I know that God has me here for a reason.

It's for the kids.

I'm here for the punks, the ska kids, the kids whose highlight in life is the next show down at the beach. I'm here for the looked down upon and forgotten. I'm here for the overlooked, the undercut, and the severely judged. I'm here for the "stones you builders rejected" - for the kids who think God is outdated, that Jesus Christ is just another expletive, and that the modern church is afraid to open their arms to. I'm here to love them in the name of Christ.

I read today from Psalm 116 and found a verse that I had to look into. Verse 15 talks about the death of the saints being precious to God. I thought about this in conjuction with Philippians 1:21 and wondered... Would Christ be entertained by my losing that which I have been blessed with? I had to read on because I was confused... but I couldn't leave it there... it didn't sit right.

On this verse, Charles Spurgeon wrote:

"Death in itself cannot be a theme for rejoicing with God. But death in the case of believers is another matter. To them, it is not death to die; it is a departure out of this world unto the Father, a being unclothed that we may be clothed upon, a falling asleep, an entrance into the Kingdom....

And earlier on in the same sermon:

"We are grieving here, but he is rejoicing there. Dolorous are their deaths in our sight, but precious are their deaths in his sight. We hang up the mournful escutcheon, and sit us down to mourn our full, and yet, meanwhile, the bells of heaven are ringing for "the bridal feast above," the streamers are floating joyously in every heavenly street, and the celestial world keeps holiday because another heir of heaven has entered upon his heritage. May this correct our grief. Tears are permitted to us, but they must glisten in the light of faith and hope. Jesus wept, but Jesus never repined. We, too, may weep, but not as those who are without hope, nor yet as though forgetful that there is greater cause for joy than for sorrow in the departure of our brethren."

Who knows what this next step in my life means for me... as of now, I am jobless and I am homeless (essentially, I have no home right now - being in transition, PA, though "home" is no longer home and John's apartment is not my home either), but I truly believe that God has something big up His sleeves... He has quite a track record of taking care of His own...so I trust Him with the details.

So, in the words of this churchless pastor echoing the words of the apostle Paul....

For me to live is Christ....

And to die is gain.