I Noun You:

The English language is something do not claim to have the best mastery over. As you have probably been able to tell over the short or long time you have read this site of random rants, I am prone to error. However, my errors generally make sense or can be easily interpreted. This isn’t what I want to rant about... I use this as a disclaimer and recognition that I am not perfect.

As an avid user of the internet and instant message services, I recognize that there is a world of abbreviations that people use because they’re too lazy to type out the whole sentence and the receiver of the message is too rushed to wait for the entire sentence. Sentences are written as acrostic: such as:

LOL: laugh out loud - an extreme cop out in conversation - when nothing better is to say - pretend that you are laughing.

BRB: Be Right Back - this statement should be more specific, like BBAIEMB - be back after I evacuate my bowels OR BBAIPALOSASC - Be back after I perform a lobotomy on seven albino sea cucumbers.

ROTFL or various combinations - Rolling on the floor laughing - how often does the average teenage chuckle-head come up with something that is funny enough to make you get up out of your chair, throw your pastey self on the floor and roll around like a paralyzed epileptic?

What is even worse is when these abbreviations are used in verbal sentences - the kind where you actually speak face to face with another human being... without a keyboard or microphone. This has seeped so badly into the culture that I heard someone on a daytime show say “I heart so and so.”

Since when does a noun express an action or a adjective?? I’ve decided to come up with a few of my own to retort.

I Backhoe you: an expression of deep hatred. What better thing to express feelings of hatred than by running over someone with a backhoe? A bit drastic.

I Lemon Pledge you: an empathetic expression of assistance. What cleans up a mess like Pledge? And what better way of expressing the help that you have to offer than to shove forward a bottle of lemony goodness!?

I Million Dollars you: a lavishing of gifts. This expression is a promise of unnecessarily expensive presents. Be careful with this expression. If you can’t deliver, don’t offer.

I cancerously thyroid tumor you: a statement of bitter resentment and a wish for revenge. Only the most vengeful individual would wish this one anyone.

I realize that these examples may be far fetched, but hey... with the advent of internet vocabulary, there is an expression for every occassion ... they aren’t bound to the rules of proper grammar, nor do they need to be spelled correctly, just qualified with an “oops” or a “typo.” If there isn’t a phrase... make one up... if none of them work, there is always an emoticon.