Sinner Abelard’s Day:

February is here and almost gone and with it the love bird’s holiday. However, for those still recovering from the V-day slump, I propose a new holiday on February 21: Sinner Abelard’s Day. I suppose this is more of an anti-holiday than a holiday because it takes most of the Saint Valentine’s Day descriptions and turns them around. This is a day not for the sweet lovers, but the vengeful and bitter. This is the one day of year that would make the happiest of couples wish they were single.

Let me offer you some history: (the following facts were taken from The Latter Rain Page: http://latter-rain.com/eccle/abela.htm)

Peter Abelard (1079 – 1142) was one of the most famous figures of the 12th century for his intellectual advancements and teaching skills in France. He drew many students to himself and is considered the founder of the University of Paris. Here was his first problem: no one knew what to do with him. John Calvin would have seen him burned as a heretic, yet others hailed him as the forerunners to the Protestants.

What makes Peter Abelard worth of a holiday is his grand error. In 1117, Abelard moved into a house that was owned by Canon Fulbert of the Cathedral of Norte-Dame. This man had a niece who was very found of Abelard’s work. Naturally, Abelard’s landlord arranged private lessons for the young, teenage, Heloise. As he began to tutor, he because interested in more than teaching, slept with her, and got her pregnant. She was entrusted to him as a private student and Abelard abused his power. He had a choice to make. If he came clean, he’d lose his position in the church. She didn’t want to marry him; she felt that he was better than marriage. He persuaded her into it, but it was doomed to failure. Abelard did this to appease the angered uncle, but no such luck.

After hearing talk of Abelard leaving Heloise, the enraged Uncle Fulbert hired some “help”, broke into Peter Abelard’s house and castrated him. After this, he ran off to become a monk.

The Traditions of the Holiday:

Like Fulbert, the single ones who had suffered 7 days prior are given permission to issue one significant physical blow to a member of the same sex who is presently in a relationship. For the male, he may inflict a swift punch to the groin of a coupled male. For the female, she is issued a 21 oz. T-bone steak for which to thaw and snack a non-single female across the face with the bovine bludgeon.

This holiday is meant for the bitter. It is in no way a romantic holiday at all. It’s not really a good holiday… the more I think about it, this is a pretty wretched idea, but hey – what would happen if it actually was one?