Paradox

How easy is it for a person to say "I have faith to believe that God will provide", yet how difficult is it to be in the storm. My trip to the mailbox today will decide the next couple of weeks... months.... years of my life.... I am scared. I need the impossible to happen and I can't see it. It is so hard for me to be in the middle of this and keep my faith.

I've always believed that God will provide my every need, but this is truly testing that belief. I believe that God is not limited by time, money, or the Canadian postal service. If it is His true, divine, and pure will for me to go, then I will get the money I need for the trip.... if it is not His will, it won't be there. It is quiet the paradox... it's almost a cop-out. It's like blaming God for what people do or don't do. I'm not saying that God doesn't cause people to do or not do, it just seems so contradictory at times. So the question is this: how will I react? If it doesn?t happen, will this kill my faith? Will I be angry with God? If it does happen, will I leap for joy? Will I become undignified before man to praise my God?

To be honest, right now I am struggling. I have doubt and fear in me, but there is still that beacon of hope that God will work in ways that only He can. I am scared of the way I will react if it doesn't happen. I am afraid that I'll blame God and be angry with Him. I am terrified that this could cause me to fall. Maybe I don't need to have these doubts at all. The one thing that I ask continually is the God would not let me get in the way of Him blessing me. My major prayer this week has been for the team, that God would provide the money that is needed. So far, Mitch is doing great, but as for Matt, Dave, and I.... we're hanging on to our faith because that is all we've got.

"God aims to exalt himself by working for those who wait for him" - John Piper

"Every thing that a man leans upon but God, will be a dart that will pierce his heart through and through. He who leans only upon Christ, lives the highest, choicest, safest, and sweetest life." - Thomas Brooks