A Ridiculously Long and Personal Post:

9/24/05: I saw her name again. Too many times, in too many ironic place have I been reminded that what my mind says is over, my heart refuses to accept. Why is it that I cannot go anywhere without being confronted by this? Whether it is on a roadside monument or a random magazine article (all of which have happened), I am reminded of what I no longer have.

I was several states away and with so much more to be on my mind and there it was. Her name was written in the sand, as if my mind had contrived some fantasy of a romantic outing. I shook from my shock to see that it was real... just her name written on an abandon seashore, just another reminder that even two months later, my heart still hurts.

The Damien on the surface says, “It’s cool, I totally understand. What’s done is done.” I shrug off the misconceptions that I actually have someone significant in my life with seamless ease. But deep down, I still question the reason for our abrupt end, though it’s apparently for the best, and our even more untimely beginning. As always, the unanswerable question of “why” rings in my head.

I never asked to feel like this, but the realities of life and love are that it’s a risk. You lay your heart on the line with all your chips and you bare your cards for others to see. The gamble is not knowing how far you’ll play (or be played) without them taking advantage of you.

It makes me wonder if I just outlived my usefulness. Was I used? Was there ever anything there? Was this just one of those behind-the-scenes, interpersonal liaisons that nobody will talk about, but everyone knows? I don’t have the answers.

I will survive because I am not leaning on my own strength. I know that can seem awfully cliché, but in all honesty, without being able to talk to God, who fully understands my heart and my head (more than I do), I’d be sunk.

Someone once pointed me to James 1:2 - 4 during a time like this a few years back. It says: “My brothers and sisters, when you have many kinds of troubles, you should be full of joy, because you know that these troubles test your faith, and this gives you patience. Let your patience show itself perfectly in what you do. Then you will be perfect and complete and will have everything you need.”

We’re pretty much told that life is going to go down around us and it’s so true about every situation in life, good or bad. This doesn’t say anywhere that I have to be happy - being full of joy simply means to be content. If I can make it in times like these without snappy someone’s neck (bitterness or jealousy) and remember to be patient with people, keeping faith that God - not just a principle or a set of rules, but an actual personal person - knows far more about this crazy game of life.

So for now, I’ll show Him my cards and wait until He says it’s right to show them to someone else. Now, if I could only find

a reliable partner....