Chaos:

So I have been home for a week now, but have only been in my house and home town for a little less than 72 hours... I have been writing lately, I just haven't had the access to internet to be able to post... but now, Apple Airport equipt, I blog:

My Sentiments Exactly...(4/30/04):

How do you wrap up a year so sentimental? How do you write the closing chapter to what has been a year of learning both inside and outside the classroom. Some of the most important lessons that I have learned have been taught to me by people who were near for a time and people who have not been so near until recently.

I have learned the values of brotherhood to friends. I have learned that love, whether the romantic kind or not is tough, but attainable, when it is the unconditional kind. I have learned how to let go for the benefit of others, but through that still pray and hope for God’s best.

One thing that I do not know if I have learned yet is how to say good byes to best friends. Are there ever really those moments? Do best friends need a long, emotional scene to show the affection and friendship love that is exchanged in such a relationship? I’m not sure. Maybe I was hoping for one. Maybe the tears that didn’t immediately come will... even now.

Today I said good-bye “forever” to one of my most dear friends. I don’t know if it is forever or not, but it seems that way. Sure, I will return to my schooling, but though this friend is still enrolled, they will be oceans, continents, and cultures away in Africa. Will I ever see friend-Liz again? I do not know. I pray for God’s protection of her mission.

Liz, if you’re reading this, know that I will miss you dearly. You’ve been an amazing friend over the past three years and I will never forget about you. You’ve taught me so much about life and about the female mind. You have been very much a big “little” sister to me and I appreciate the times of not only encouragement, but reprimand. I wish that I could have more friends like that. I’m not sure that I’ll ever fully understand you, but that’s ok. Thanks for being my friend and believing in me... even when I didn’t believe in myself. Whether in this life or not, I will see you again. I’m sure we will have much to catch up on and old humors to laugh at. Always remember to put the lid on your orange juice before you shake it... always remember that upside-down speakers could be people, too, and that you will some day provide the sound effects for a video game. (To the other readers, these are all inside jokes... don’t try to understand them - you won’t)

I suppose that I am a bit emotional with leaving for home tomorrow with all that said. Whether I leave or not, it isn’t going to make a difference as to whether or not people will go their seperate ways... I guess I just get to be the one doing the leaving and not the one watching the others go. So here is to the highways which I will be driving tomorrow... May God keep the roads clear, the van safe and swift, and the cops blind or asleep.

Signing out from New Brunswich,

Damien M. Gula

Love’s Surreality (May 3rd):

Jesus talked a lot about it. He actually embodied what it truly meant. He told us what it meant to show and be love to others. Why is this such a difficult task to get a grip on. It is easy to love those who are lovely and lovable, but what about those who have been dealt a poor hand of cards time and time again? Our love is truly tested when we encounter these uncomfortable situations.

Tonight, I saw my grandmother, my mom’s mom, for the first time in a long time. It has been a couple of years at least. This is a woman who has been through the ringers of life... you name it and it has pretty much happened to her... aside from the whole being dead thing. She is not your typical Suzy Homemaker, bake the apple pie and chocolate cookies grandma. She is more like the drink a couple of beers and smoke a couple of packs of cigarettes a day in front of the grand kids - grandma.

To be honest, I have struggled with not wanting to see her. Tonight it broke the slate from around my heart to see how badly she needs to see the love of Christ. She needs people to not look down on her... she has had enough of that and maybe has brought some of it on herself, but what she truly needs in some of Jesus’ genuine love.

Does anyone have someone like this in their life? If you do, you know that it is not always easy to ignore the smells of beer and smoke on their personage. I love my grandmother and I know that I have failed to love her some times, but I think I’ve begun to learn more about loving the unlovable. It’s hugging an alcoholic in Jesus’ name. It is a hand to a homeless person. It is a cup of cold water to those who cannot hold their own cup.

“I could have walked another block to get awat from the hard scene... why does it always come to this when this zero meets the fifteen...how can I ever save the world on cup-o-soup and student loans... and I want to try and save the world, but it never goes that way. God, I don’t know what to do down on Colfax and Broadway...”
- Where Zero Meets Fifteen by Five Iron Frenzy